The Adventures of Siegfried von Eschl and Kazimir of Gorka

A rough re-telling of two tragicomic snippets from Poland (Ch. 3) by James A. Michener, 1983

THE ADVENTURES OF SIEGFRIED VON ESCHL AND KAZIMIR OF GORKA

Siegfried von Eschl of the Teutonic Knights: You know, Kazimir... given the opportunity, we would gladly convert Poland to Christianity.

Kazimir of Gorka: What do you mean? We've been Christian for three centuries.

Siegfried: Oh no, no!  You are not true Christians.

Kazimir: What is a true Christian?

Siegfried: Us Germans, for example, we are the true Christians.

Kazimir: Ok, I'm not sure I am on board—

Siegfried: You know, Germans and Poles are natural allies; we'll achieve great heights by working together. On our side, we have the technology, the good organization; and on the other hand you, the Poles, have the power of arable land, (salivates) so much arable land...

Meanwhile, the Baltic Prussians: (had been completely exterminated)

THE ADVENTURES OF PAWEL OF BUKOWO AND FR. ANTON GRABENER

Fr. Anton Grabener of Lübeck: In this interrogation, I am going to ask you some pertinent questions on the current affairs of Poland, alright?

Pawel of Bukowo: Sure.

Fr. Anton: Is your king, Jagiello, a Pagan?

Pawel: No. He converted when he married Jadwiga, I think.

Fr. Anton: (scribbles notes thoughtfully) Mm-hm, mm-hm

Fr. Anton: But is he a dirty, lice-ridden, raw-meat guzzling heathen, nonetheless?

Pawel: There's no reasoning with you people

Fr. Anton: (flips page furiously) Is it true, as the rumours say, that Jagiello has hair growing all over his body, like a bear??

Pawel: (leaning away) I'm quite sure he has hair growing in all the normal places!

Fr. Anton: (sweating and hyperventilating) Is it true, as the rumours say, that Jagiello has a dong the size of his forearm???

Adventures in Condensed Matter Physics - Literature Review

An average publication in the venerable field of condensed matter physics:

Introduction
This physical phenomenon is very useful. It has been used in many applications [refs. 1-25] and studied in many recent research [refs. 26-50].

Results and Discussion
Here are some numbers.

Conclusion
Yes. Very good indeed.

Me: *checks affiliation" What is this, University of Neanderthals?

The Adventures of Zhang Qian in Alexandria Eschate, 128 BC

After years of trekking through the scorching deserts of the Tarim Basin, Zhang Qian —famed diplomat and explorer on a mission to procure horses for Great Emperor Wu's campaigns against the Huns— arrived at Alexandria Eschate, where settled the furthest diaspora of the Macedonian Empire. Seeing the snow-capped peaks of Tien Shan in the distance, he exclaimed: Truly, I must have been the first of anyone in the China to lay my eyes on such a wondrous sight! And then he had for lunch a huge bowl of beef la-mian from Chinatown down the street, because travelling also made him very hungry.

Tien Shan [Photo: Maureen Barlin]

The Adventures of Nasreddin and the Hat he Bought for Six Tangas

Nasreddin bought a tubeteika at the bazaar for six tangas. Everyone he met asked him: “How much money did the tubeteika cost you?” Nasreddin answered to the first of them, he answered to the second of them, he answered to the third of them, than he said: “If I answer to everyone, I will go crazy.” He took the tubeteika off his head, ran to the bazaar, and cried: “Hey, people! Go quickly to the square, gather somewhere there! The Big-ones have something to tell you.” All the people gathered at the square, and no one else remained in the city. Nasreddin came upon a high place, and cried: “Hey people, just to let you know, I bought this tubeteika for six tangas”

A tubeteika

[source]

The Adventures of AlphaGo and Lee Sedol (Game 5)

AlphaGo: *plays*
Lee Sedol: that's not a human move
Commentators: that's not a human move
AlphaGo Team: that's not a human move! AlphaGo, is that a human move?
AlphaGo: No, but
*looks into camera*
I did not come all the way to Seoul
just to play like human
The End.

[Business Insider, 2016]

Bibliography
[1] Silver, Schrittwieser, Simonyan, et al., Mastering the game of Go without human knowledge, Nature 550, 354 (2017)

Adventures with Ignatius Noogent

This is a dream from a while ago. I was in Lincoln, Nebraska, and a white supremacist guy called Ignatius Noogent had emerged from his parents' basement and was going about town hunting down and shooting anyone who looked Asian. I ran down the avenue to avoid his bullets. Eventually I ducked into a building and into something that looked like a classroom. As I hid under the table, I realised that the lights and the ceiling fan were still on. Shit! I can't turn those off now; he'll know that I'm here! Now the gunman had entered the building and was patrolling down the corridor, whereupon I woke up in cold sweat, not just out of a sense of doom, but also because who the heck spells the name as Noogent anyway

The Adventures of Péter Bartók's Father

Book Review: My Father by Péter Bartók
Dedication: To Hope (Hope Kellman, who did the final editing)

The son of Bartók, the great Hungarian composer and scientist, remembers his father almost sixty years after his (the father's) passing. He tells of the adventures of a sympathetic person, not at all larger-than-life, nor too small, but at about the right size for life. Péter Bartók's father is of a scientific mind. Péter Bartók's father loves hiking, and loves the songs that the peasants sing wherever he travels. He has a messy table but is fussy at work. He tells silly jokes about National Socialists. And then etc., etc., etc.

I only wonder how Péter feels inside when he goes back through all the letters that his father has written for him in life, especially this second one (translated from the Magyar):

Amsterdam, 9 Nov. 1928
DEAR PETER
I TRUST YOU ARE A GOOD BOY
LOVE, FATHER

The Adventures of Professor Oliver and the Principle of Uniformitarianism

Professor Oliver read the student's answer. The student had not deigned to fill in any of the blanks; instead, he had opted to scrawl the phrase "THE PRESENT IS THE KEY TO THE PAST" repeatedly, haphazardly, and in big bloody letters across the page. Hnph! Professor Oliver snorted, evidently unimpressed. Nevertheless, he relented and gave the student one point for sympathy.

The Adventures of Yusuf Al-Muʾtaman ibn Hud and Giovanni Ceva

[Source]

Wrote the great Yusuf Al-Muʾtaman ibn Hud, the King of Zaragoza, in his magnum opus, the Kitab al-Istikmal: "... Thus, I have proven that if these three ratios on the triangle give a product of one, then these three lines in the triangle meet in a point!"

After having read this proof, the scholars in his court exclaimed: "Truly, this is an important proof! O, great King Yusuf Al-Muʾtaman ibn Hud, you are indeed called the Sage of Zaragoza; your name shall be spread far and wide, even down all the generations!"

Six hundred years later, in a dusty university room in Mantua, the Jesuit Professor Giovanni Ceva realises, with a serendipitous spark of inspiration, the same truth that had been discovered by the great Yusuf Al-Muʾtaman ibn Hud. He publishes it and we now name it Ceva's Theorem because his name is easier to pronounce.

Adventures with Brahmagupta and his Algebraic Proof

Question: Prove Brahmagupta's Formula i.e. that if a cyclic quadrilateral has sides a, b, c, d, and semi-perimeter s, then its area K is given by (...).

Answer:

Professor's commentary: Everything is correct here. However, the proof is not very interesting as you have opted to prove it algebraically rather than with graphical explanation. In fact, it is really boring. In fact, my cat has just thrown up on my trousers and then died of boredom after having read your proof. I am enraged! Zilch marks for this assignment.

The Adventures of Roger Casement and Joseph Conrad

"You've deflowered me, Casement," lamented Conrad. "About Leopold II, about the Congo Free State. Perhaps even about life."

And, heaving a great sigh, he turned and was on his way. "Deflowered!" he exclaimed in one dramatic final flourish.

Roger watched as he went. Conrad had no idea what he was saying! Beside his sombre self, Roger tried unsuccessfully to stifle a chuckle. Later in the night, he reached once more for his diary.