Arkadius

Photo: A. Novichkova

I am on my way once more; I, Thexeira Haji, consigned to wander the earth in unending pilgrimage. My sins were numerous, my promises I did not make true; No sacred silence did I keep in the floridness of my youth. Instead, I have Silence foisted upon me. Deep, dark, endless Silence, as expansive as the Taiga who stretches from Noril to Khatanga, from the slopes of Putoran to the shores of Qarataimir. How the timber of the woods muffles my cries; how their leaves blot out the light of the sky!

A close friend passed today, a volunteer at the place of my refuge, now obliterated by cannon fire. Arkadius, Arkadius, how did I not know you before! You have no good looks, nor stature, nor power, but the light of your deeds have been blinding. Yesterday you were one with us, the unwashed and needy; today we remembered you as the one who saved us from certain demise. As our sanctuary came down, crumbling into dust, it was you who had readied the canoes and pushed us out into the middle of the lake, away from the reaches of the General's men. The Good One answered to your wishes, sent us to safety, but you yourself wound up entombed in the rubble, alongside the bride of Toyogarov.

Hear, Arkadius, the cries of Olivia, who grieves you so stridently. She has consigned herself to the lake shore, she has turned down all nourishment offered her, waiting in vain to see you arrive on your own boat. Tell me, Arkadius, was this really needed? Should you not have spared a thought to those who valued you over their own lives? Silly, impudent man! You hurled yourself bodily into the maws of the Satraps, the hypocrites, and those of their thugs. Now defeat hangs heavy over all of us, and the justice of God rings hollow.

I, more than anyone, deserve death, and not to have good people giving themselves up for my sake. I only offer to people my company and my stories of faraway places, and in return they keep me alive. The propensity of good people to buy into this sucker's trade befuddles and humbles me. Give back, I tell myself, give back! But I could never give enough, however much I strain with the effort. This is not the time for me to be alive. I, more than anyone else, deserve death! How gladly I would have exchanged my place in Hades for that of Arkadius!

What would I give for the Lord of the Universe to hear me? What would he say to the ravings of this mad creature? If only one day he could open his mouth and rebuke me for my delirious exclamations, or take the burdens of such heartbreak, enough to last me generations.


Notes
This passage is dedicated to the memory of Anthonius Gunawan Agung of Palu, Central Sulawesi Province, departed September 2018.