1a. Referring to couples in the singular third person
1b. Referring to close friends and relatives in singular second person
I call this the familial singular. In usage, the desired effect is to give an impression as close as possible to lolcats. In principle, the purpose of the familial singular (third person) is to indicate closeness in the couple, to the extent that they behave as a single person in all settings, and the purpose of the familial singular (second person) is to reinstate the formal-informal second person distinction which we can still see in French and German but has long been considered archaic in English. For example, it has become the usual practice to use the word Dadmom to refer to my parents; we wonder aloud to each other, whenever my siblings and I meet, that Dadmom is going to be home soon. Also when I greet my siblings I say How is you! because informal.
In the French language, the informal second person is used to address God in prayers. In English the equivalent is thou, which in the modern age sounds more snooty than familiar, and too aloof to be fitting for someone with whom your relationship has to be personal. O Lord, You is seated at the right hand of the Father, receives our prayer.
2. Pronouncing words with voiced consonants only
Diz iz juz vor zounding zdupid. I do diz onny wen bored, or wen my zizder veelz lige a lav.
Alternatifely, chanchink all te consonants to harter ones can pe tone put toes not vork so vell.
3. Shortening long vowels for emphasis
Vowels are usually lengthened for emphasis, because louder and longer sounds command more attention. But what if you want to inspire surprise? What if you want the superlative to be less of a long and violent earthquake, but more of a sharp intake of breath, followed by a lingering feeling of being let down?
I call this the dimunitive superlative. For example, the dimunitive superlative for manly is muhn. When I tell someone You're the muhn! I mean to say that he is the manliest, but it sounds more sarcastic.
4. Using French grammar in English
See this article.
5. Discarding the future tense
An American Economics professor, in an uncharacteristic case of sticking his nose into a field he has no business in, has said that using the present tense for the future makes Finns more frugal and forward-looking than, say, people from France, who use a future tense. I would love to stop and wax lyrical about the honest and hardworking Finnish nation whom I have had the pleasure of staying with the whole summer, but now the more important question is What if English uses it?
Tomorrow, I am going for guitar practice at school. Afterwards some of us have dinner at Hwang's at UTown. Next Sunday, our concert takes place at UCC Theater, with tickets selling at $14 a seat. This actually sounds normal. Let's try it again.
Ah! I have forgotten my assignment is due soon! I die! Tomorrow I have four labs in a row and six vivas. I never come back to see my family again! O cruel fate, my grades deprove! Eventually the world comes to an end; it is my only solace.
Time to sleep.
