Something in me has to break

Screencap: Jeongnyeon 정년이 (2024)

Lent is taking an interesting turn. Some weeks ago, I had run into a sense of despondency while on the dance floor, and was unable to put my finger on why. And then it occurred to me that I had set my sights on dancing as free as a bird, but my insecurities and doubts about my technique made me hold back. I could not follow movements and cues from the jazz. I got thrown off when my partner appeared bored. The conclusion became that something in me has to break for me to keep dancing— what's the hold-up? How do I get rid of them?

I had done well to die to self, giving up sweet stuff in coffee and othersuch indulgences which will all return joyously to my life come Easter, but maybe the real, permanent thing to give up is the hold-up? When I learned boxing, I went through a kind of ego death; it stopped me from taking things personal when I lost a sparring match, and helped me keep my wits about me while being manhandled. The ego death that one experiences for a breakthrough in dance, how do I get to it? What does it look like? Is it the same as before? A little different?

Two weeks ago, my friends and I talked about Lent being not just a season of "give up", but also the season of "get some". I am very glad about this new approach to Lent. My life has up to this point been governed by what I call the Harsh Inner Voice. The Voice had been with me through many periods of difficulty, and then it started to cause its own difficulties. Lent has always been when this Voice has been at its strongest, which is the reason why it is also the most stressful season. This year can be the first one where I fast from the Voice. In some ways, I am giving up Lent for Lent— giving up the caricatural lenten self-denial that make monsters out of so many devout people.