I see you

— Swing Dance Meditations: Part 7 —

Acts of love happen often on the dance floor. Platonic acts: Friendly gestures, handshakes, asking to dance, thanking the partner after each dance... And in addition, drawing from my experiences learning martial arts on the dojo, floorcraft, making sure my friends are not swinging into pillars, fanning them with my hand fan, and letting people know that they are allowed to rest. I rack my brain looking out for everyone, at least, as many people as bandwidth can allow.

I was brought up by very affectionate parents who communicate love through touch. Mom is very much a hugger, and Dad likes to initiate handshakes. Dad initiates handshakes for any or no reason at all; he would do it at any moment if he felt like it, at home, on the road... Touch has become a way with which I receive and communicate reassurance. 

I realise that this has made me and my sisters outliers in Singaporean society. The average Singaporean parent communicates love through providing means. They do not say "thank you" when presented with small favours, but treat them as expected. They become surprised and curious to see me fistbump my sister so often, or thank my parents when they give me something. It surprised me, in turn, to see how much of my family culture comes off as strange to an outsider.

I experience love when I feel seen. I had the problem of not being able to take a complement and responding to complements by diminishing it or deflecting them. The spell was broken in August last year in Bangkok by a dance partner who told me that I had good situational awareness. We just had had a class in a stuffy dance hall. When it came time for a break, I took off into the service corridors and got the air conditioning units running. And she saw me doing it.

This was a complement that said, "I see you."

Nathanael asked, 'How do you know me?' 

Jesus replied, 'Before Philip came to call you, I saw you under the fig tree.'

Nathanael answered, 'Rabbi, you are the Son of God, you are the king of Israel.'

(John 1:48-49)

"I see you like Jesus saw Nathanael under the fig tree."

I came home to Singapore and made more friends who see something in me and say it to my face. I learn to take them as graciously as I can. I learn to see my friends and complement them as well, sometimes to return the favour, sometimes to pay it forward, since Allah doesn't care about the accounting.

I use dances to sharpen the skill of seeing the other. I learn not merely to treat my partner as a conduit to practice, as an audience, or as an instrument, but to have a conversation with them. I learn about each partner's dispositions and preferences, and put them into a mental dossier, itemised: Do they prefer certain moves, do they not prefer others? Do they tend to turn me down? What aspects of the dance are important for them? What do they tend to wear? Are they energetic on the dance floor, or are they phlegmatic? Do they have a preference in the music: tempo, genre, intensity? Are they open to new moves, or exotic moves from other traditions? Do they make eye contact, and do they rely on it? I remember things that people say; I act on them and they find out about it through the dance.

I receive love when I feel seen during the dance. To give an example, we have a follow in the community who dances in a strange way: instead of being passive like most other follows, she frequently takes the wheel, and lead me into moves. She imitates my moves, and I imitate hers. She brings in strange moves from other dances and laughs while doing it. She is also a maniac who makes eye contact with me when dancing with other people.

Since I treat dance as a way to build character, I have been dancing different ways from month to month. For this reason, I feel exhilaration when I see my friends change their dance game, because this is a sign that they are growing too, and that I am not alone on this path of growth, after all.