The Adventures of Siegfried von Eschl and Kazimir of Gorka

A rough re-telling of two tragicomic snippets from Poland (Ch. 3) by James A. Michener, 1983

THE ADVENTURES OF SIEGFRIED VON ESCHL AND KAZIMIR OF GORKA

Siegfried von Eschl of the Teutonic Knights: You know, Kazimir... given the opportunity, we would gladly convert Poland to Christianity.

Kazimir of Gorka: What do you mean? We've been Christian for three centuries.

Siegfried: Oh no, no!  You are not true Christians.

Kazimir: What is a true Christian?

Siegfried: Us Germans, for example, we are the true Christians.

Kazimir: Ok, I'm not sure I am on board—

Siegfried: You know, Germans and Poles are natural allies; we'll achieve great heights by working together. On our side, we have the technology, the good organization; and on the other hand you, the Poles, have the power of arable land, (salivates) so much arable land...

Meanwhile, the Baltic Prussians: (had been completely exterminated)

THE ADVENTURES OF PAWEL OF BUKOWO AND FR. ANTON GRABENER

Fr. Anton Grabener of Lübeck: In this interrogation, I am going to ask you some pertinent questions on the current affairs of Poland, alright?

Pawel of Bukowo: Sure.

Fr. Anton: Is your king, Jagiello, a Pagan?

Pawel: No. He converted when he married Jadwiga, I think.

Fr. Anton: (scribbles notes thoughtfully) Mm-hm, mm-hm

Fr. Anton: But is he a dirty, lice-ridden, raw-meat guzzling heathen, nonetheless?

Pawel: There's no reasoning with you people

Fr. Anton: (flips page furiously) Is it true, as the rumours say, that Jagiello has hair growing all over his body, like a bear??

Pawel: (leaning away) I'm quite sure he has hair growing in all the normal places!

Fr. Anton: (sweating and hyperventilating) Is it true, as the rumours say, that Jagiello has a dong the size of his forearm???