The Cook, the Sergeant and the Janitor

a. You can't believe what I did!
b. What?
a. I killed so many people!
b. Yes, you did. You were awesome.
a. Huh?
b. We saw you from the helicopter.
a. I was desperate!
b. You did not show it.
a. They wouldn't let a ladder down!
b. You came out of it alive!
a. Why am I here?
b. You fainted doing your speech.
a. A speech?
b. Yes, after receiving the medal.
a. Medal?
b. Yes, for destroying that key encampment in the Empire formations.
a. I don't remember speaking.
b. We repelled the Empire. You made it possible.
a. What did I do?
b. We intercepted an inspector sent to the camp, and
a. Snuck me in instead, I know.
b. So you remember.
a. You told me to make friends with them. Then you told me to plant bombs everywhere and send them to Hell.
b. You were a good actor as well.
a. Well, I knew some of them by name!
b. They're the enemy, surely you knew.
a. They're just acting under orders!
b. Just like you were.
a. Well, we slept in the same bunkers! And we had the same chow! And the chow was marvellous. Guess what. Curry mutton and chips. I loved the curry mutton and chips. When I blew up the canteen, I was wondering where else I could have the curry mutton and chips now. I could see bits of the cook flying everywhere.
b. No, don't think about such things now.
a. No, sorry, it wasn't the cook. The cook picked up his rifle and charged at me when I got up the office roof. And then I put him down. I'm so sorry.
b. You shouldn't be!
a. I think it was the sergeant I blew up at the canteen, then. Cast in right eye. Can't speak properly. About as harmless a sergeant you can meet.
b. I'll call the nurse. You're not okay, are you? You must be very tired. I'll lie you down.
a. No, it wasn't the sergeant I blew up at the canteen. The sergeant was blown up at the armoury. I think the janitor on duty was at the canteen. There was the dog.
b. (adjusting the bed) Any time now...
a. The dog got owned too. Oh, no. It wasn't the sergeant I blew up at the armoury. I saw him pick up his rifle and charge at me after I got up the office roof. And then I finished him off. I must have made a massacre from up there! How did I do it? They're all dead?
b. I think they are. I made sure.
a. You were there?
b. Yes. On the helicopter.
a. Why didn't you put down the ladder?
b. Uh, there were considerations
a. Why, I could have killed less of them if you had put it down earlier.
b. They were firing at us as well, that's why!
a. I think it wasn't the janitor I blew up at the canteen. The janitor was in the dormitory. No, that can't be right. He charged at me later as well, didn't he?
b. Think of the lives you have saved!
a. Okay.
b. Your wife? Your children? Your countrymen?
a. They won't let my wife go. No. Not under orders.
b. You saved them.
a. From the janitor, sure. I could rake the pavement better than he. He had the worst attitude for the environment
b. It was probably worth your mission to save all the rest of us.
a. I'll tell you what works. You tell our president, go to their Emperor, point a revolver to his temple, and tell him to retreat from our turf. Then not one of them would have died either. Not the cook, the sergeant, nor the janitor nor all the others-
b. That'll have to put down the Emperor's guards as well, eh?
a. I don't mind. I don't know them. I have never had curry mutton with them. They must have been bloody-minded rotters as well, guarding his Imperial ass there, what? He grows fat on his own soldier's sacrifice. What have I done to deserve the High Priest's role?
b. The nurse is here.
a. Is my wife around?
b. Just a minute, thanks.
a. I'll tell you what works. I need to get straitjacketed. Yes. A nice canvassy cocoon. And a nice padded room I can ram my head upon. And fast, yes! And fast. I'll heal in a few days, I will! Or months... Or, whatever.

Which was exactly what they did.